Born to play the villain's part.

"Something's gotten hold of my heart"

Thu, 29 May 2008 23:30:58 GMT

So. I've finished my degree. Results in two weeks exactly. I'm fairly confident I've got a 2.1, which means I'm off to York to do my MA Philosophy. Excellent.

What is less excellent is that I don't think I'll be coming back to Derby afterwards. The city is dying, for want of a better term. I spent most of this week in London, and obviously the capital's going to be a hell of a lot more lively than Derby, but even Stoke feels a hell of a lot more lively than Derby.

I've probably just outgrown the place, but... it's a weird thought. I've moved about a lot in my life, but it's never really been my decision before. Now my friendships at Keele are ending, for the most part, and I feel like I'm turning my back on my friends in Derby, too. It feels more difficult than I perhaps expected.

Then again, I feel so constricted when I'm in Derby. The place is stifling.

Deep down, I know I need to leave.

I guess we'll see what happens.

"The Lyre of Orpheus"

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 00:33:38 GMT

It's been a fair few months since I've written on here, hasn't it? How time flies. Time that I feel that I am both wasting and running out of. Ho hum.

It scares me; in a month - less than thirty days, in fact - I'll have finished my undergraduate degree, and it doesn't feel like anything about me has really changed. Have I grown? Have I matured? Has my life actually progressed in any way except the obvious?

Well, of course it has. That's a silly question. We're all changing, but I can't help but feel that the majority of my relationships with people have taken a few steps backwards. That's probably my fault - I've been a complete wreck for the vast majority of the past two and a bit years, and as such I've been putting more effort into putting myself back together than keeping my friendships intact. Right decision? Wrong decision? I don't know. I need to work on the relationships again, though.

This month is, I feel, going to be simultaneously dull and hectic. Such is writing a dissertation and revising for finals, I suppose.

"Winter's Knight"

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 03:51:52 GMT

Well.

I haven't felt like this since... well, since last winter, in fact.

I do so enjoy this season, and feeling like this.

And no matter how sarcastic that might sound, I do mean it. It feels good to be alive, and not in the half-life that I normally reside.

Tempus

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 04:46:04 GMT

Time is creeping ever onward. It was not so long ago that I felt I had so much of it. And now I don't feel like that. Years are flying by in what subjectively feels like months. It practically feels like yesterday that I first arrived, bright eyed and relatively innocent, to the world of university.

I don't feel so bright eyed and innocent anymore.

The end is coming soon, then it will be on to new beginnings and even newer endings. Rinse and repeat. Stability? In my life? Do not make me laugh. I shan't be having any of that for at least five years.

Joy.

Time is creeping ever onward, and I cannot shake my impression that I am wasting what little time I have.

Memento mori, as they say. Or said. It's implied.

"Nuovo anno"

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:53:23 GMT

Been a while since I've updated this. It's not like I've been overtly busy or anything, more like nothing of huge note has happened to me. This summer has been very... subdued. Whilst that's technically what I wanted before the hectic few months that my third year of uni is going to be, it's also made me wish for some kind of action.

Because whilst Derby might mean free accomodation and food, and a chance to catch up with old friends, entertainment is not something that it provides a priori. You've pretty much got a choice between sitting in a coffee shop, sitting in a bar, or sitting in the street. Though I do so enjoy pretending to be tramp, and/or indulging my caffeinated alter-persona, none of the three options are, well, that special anymore. Meeting up in Big Blue or the pub of the week is just what we've always done. And every time I think to myself 'God, I really want to do something new tonight', I find... that there isn't anything. I don't know quite what I'm looking for - poetry readings, maybe a gig, insert random event here - but Derby just can't provide it.

I'd like to be optimistic that the Westfield centre's imminent arrival will bring unprecedented levels of cultural freshness to Derby's streets, but I'm not. Chances are that it will instead manage to suck whatever unique atmosphere is left out of the place, like some kind of unrequested vampire.

It's a shame for me that Stoke, my other current locale, is just as much of a moodkiller. I really don't know where I'm going to wind up post uni - probably some place with a uni that'll let me do a Master's course, so my 'where the hell am I going' woes won't end until quite a few years down the line. Even further if I do a PhD (again, possible), although by that time my woes will most likely be related to a strange lack of money compared to everyone else in my group of contemporaries.

Apart from the people - who, despite my bouts of bastardly nature towards, I do all genuinely care about - and, depending upon location parents/uni, I don't really see any reason to stay in either Stoke or Derby. And that's going to give me some problems down the line, I imagine - although the philosopher part of me is wondering whether it's the end destination that matters, or the journey. Ah well.

Life kicks off in September. I might be setting up a new blog relating to my society as well, who knows.

"A tout le monde"

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 15:20:26 GMT

It's very easy for me to forget that I've actually got three groups of friends. It sounds bad, but I tend to lose track of the first group (from my first secondary school). I'm hoping to rectify that this summer, and catch up with most of them. Uni's kind of shrunk my view of the country, and thus it'll be easier for me to make the trip to the various parts of England to see them. Heh, should be fun!

I feel like I want to be in two places at once at the moment, which probably isn't good for my mental health. I want to be in Stoke, just, well, because I have a house here, it's currently empty (only till monday, alas), and I'm loving being able to recharge my batteries. But I also want to be in Derby to see people and have fun with them. Blergh, dilemmas. No matter, I'll be in Derby on monday night.

Why do I get the feeling that this summer is going to be interesting?

"Surrender!"

Sun, 13 May 2007 19:11:41 GMT

Went paintballing yesterday. I managed to get shot directly on my penis.

So success all round, really.

And I have an exam tomorrow. At 9.30 in the morning. That I don't think I'm properly ready for.

This is going to be one of those weeks...

"Born free. Everywhere, in chains."

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 01:55:14 GMT

Christ, haven't updated this in a while. Mainly because I've been busy as hell. In between multiple deadlines, organising stuff for the philosophy society, accomodation, and attempting to maintain a social life, I've really had little time for other stuff. Updating this counts as 'other stuff', by the way.

I'm back in Derby at the moment, attempting to have a holiday. What this translates to is me getting drunk a bit too much, and putting off the myriad things that I was meant to be doing. Y'know, revision. And things of its ilk.

It always depresses me a bit when I'm back here, because things have inevitably changed. Obviously the physical layout of Derby is changing quite considerably at the moment, what with an abomination that can only be described by the tongue of man as a 'mall' being built, but that's not what's bothering me. Relationships change when people go away for months at a time, and people drift. It's always going to happen, but that doesn't mean it's enjoyable.

Anyways.

I've been considering various ways of making money whilst at uni, and this thought process may perhaps be sped up somewhat in the weeks to come, considering I was shouted at by a friend tonight for wasting my life by going to uni. Apparently I'm a 'loser' if I don't have a car and a house (not rented, actually owned by myself) by the time I'm twenty. Hrm, okay. Apparently I'm also a loser if I decide to do post-graduate work, because I'll be clinging onto my childhood. Er... Right, sure, whatever. Thanks for the confidence boost there.

That just seems kind of shallow to me. Sure, buying a house young is something to aim for... but it's pretty damn pointless if you want to travel the world, and not stay in one place for too long. Earning hoards of cash, likewise, seems unimportant if you don't value money that much.

Obviously my degree has corrupted me. I mean, what kind of person values things such as freedom and love over money?

"I see you."

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 02:50:48 GMT

What the hell is up with me? Seriously, this whole week it's been like... every other night I just don't sleep. At all. Not even slightly tired. I've actually managed to get a 48 hour day. Fuck that shit.

I didn't sleep at all last night, and it's now 3am in the morning. I'm considering sleeping. But I have to be up at 9am. FUCK. Why do I have insomnia? I'm just going to assume my mind is dealing with random things in its own way.

Christ, do I hate my subconscious.

"Luck makes a poor deity."

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 19:29:08 GMT

Bloody hell have I had a rough week. Since I'm planning on working like a dog this term, that's probably going to be a common theme for the next 8 weeks or so. Fun times ahead!

On the plus side the Philosophy society appears to be going well. Need to schedule a debate for... week 4, say. Hm.

Due to how stressed I felt generally this week, I took today (and much of last night, for that matter) off from... well, everything. I haven't actually slept at all. Should I be worried that I feel completely fine? Hm, no matter.

Anyways. Today, yes. Finally received Ghost in the Shells 1 & 2 in the post, and I sat down and watched both of them this morning. They're decent enough films, and the philosopher in me was positively aroused at the level of depth you can read into them. Being able to sit through three-odd hours of films and continuously think about various references to certain theories that are being made (for example, much of the dialogue between Batou and Kusanagi stems from the former's primarily physicalist/monist view of the mind/body problem, as opposed to the latter's seeming dualist stance; a discussion in Innocence about dog food is a critique of Epicurean hedonism). Geeky? Slightly. It's to be expected when I'm doing a degree that is pretty much Philosophy of Mind in all but name.

I then spent about 3 hours watching Hellsing, just because I like vampires. No hidden agenda there! Not totally certain where today's random anime indulgence came from, I normally don't watch the stuff. Weird.

Tomorrow, I shall get back into the swing of work. Fun times ahead.

"Only human"

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 22:59:50 GMT

Heavy, melancholy men turn lighter, and come temporarily to their surface, precisely by that which makes others heavy - by hatred and love.

I've been going through a period of self introspection again. It's a nasty habit, I admit, yet it's nevertheless something that is a semi-regular event. I'm just... still not quite certain what makes me me. I'm not certain what traits, too, that I actually want to incorporate into my being.

Can I mould myself into who I want to be? What am I?

Trains of thought like this are to really be expected when I take a degree as introspective as Philosophy/Psychology.

My course tells me that our levels of self awareness are actually very low. Even though we are privy to our innermost thoughts, we can only truly learn about ourselves the same way that we learn about everyone else; by observing our own behaviour.

What I know about myself - actively, genuinely know - is that if I know I can do or get something that I want with a certain amount of effort, I will only put that amount of effort in. Laziness or pragmatism, who knows. But I can be a tenacious little bastard when I truly want something. Someone. Never give up.

Other than that, I don't know. I'm... complicated.

Hopefully this week will go well. New modules, fun. I do so wish that they're at the very least interesting.

So cold, so icy, that one burns one's fingers at the touch of him! Every hand that lays hold of him shrinks back! - And for that very reason many think him red-hot.

"Happy... New Year"

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 23:53:23 GMT

Tonight's going kind of badly for me. I'm in Stoke at the moment (figured a few of my uni mates might be around, and I was missing the place anyway). Unfortunately literally 10 seconds before I walked out of my front door in Derby, the phone rang. It was my (dead) uncle's wife, ringing to tell my dad that his mum had just died.

Ugh. So I think Mike's hitting the whiskey tonight, but I decided that I may as well carry on with my plans as normal. It's currently a bit rubbish. I'm not even drunk.

Hope everyone else is having a better night.

"Jesusman saves the day"

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 06:48:15 GMT

Merry Christmas guys! I'm totally getting drunk on beer and whiskey fudge today. Yeah.

Also, just so you all know, my phone's currently completely dead because I was a total moron and forgot to bring my phone charger home from Stoke. Damn. I'll go and fetch it in a few days, at which point I shall text various members of my phone book wishing them well!

"Burn it all down"

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 20:34:33 GMT

Back in Derby, finally. Hurrah. It's a shame that I've had such a rubbish week, though.

Last night was actually pretty good, for the most part. It's been a long, long time since I've been in the Blue Note and actually had fun. It has gotten incredibly chavvy, though. How times change.

Today, I'm incredibly angry at a certain someone who was not present last night. I heard too many things that made my blood boil, and quite frankly at least one of those things is unforgivable. Not the first time I'd heard it, but seeing how upset the teller was infuriated me.

I think I need to have a chat with that someone who was not present. Not certain when I'll next be seeing her, though.

You know you're angry when you can walk from Allestree to Chaddesden at 4 in the morning in December and not feel the cold, because your blood is pumping that much.

Welcome back, Bran, says Derby city.

"Going out in style"

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 00:04:46 GMT

My last night in Stoke, and it promises to go out with a (albeit minor) bang. We need to finish off all of our alcohol at some point, we just watched Secretary (Mike and I were high-fiving each other throughout the whole damn thing, and I think it might just go on my list of favourite films), and now we're cooking a HUGE amount of pasta. Seriously, like 2kg of the stuff.

Tomorrow I'm back in Derby for my dad's birthday. Meeting up with Lain in the evening, I hope. Should be good. :)

"Nothingness is everything"

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 00:15:14 GMT

Christ, why do I feel so alone?

Life should be going well for me. For the most part it is. Yet right now, I just feel hollow.

"Bleeding through"

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 20:01:52 GMT

Today I do not feel great at all.

I had fun at the weekend; went to Manchester, and saw several people who I have not seen for some time, and have missed very much. It was a good weekend; I enjoyed it very much.

But now... Now I am back in Stoke, and I have realised that tomorrow I have a deadline on Plato (who I am not a fan of at all), and that I have a debate scheduled for thursday that nobody has expressed any real interest in, and that I think I've screwed things up with her. And if there's one thing that's going to upset me... it's going to be that.

I don't think I've fucked up too badly. At least, I hope I haven't. I don't want to lose her.

Time will tell.

I need a holiday.

"Fixing lights with fire and ice"

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 12:40:11 GMT

So, interesting few days. Went bowling last night, and my performance pretty much confirmed the hypothesis that I suck at bowling. I never outright lost any of the games, but I didn't do well during any of them. I did get a few strikes, though, which upon hearing of at least one of my friends turned to me, eyes wide, uttering "You liar". Fun times! I also had a HUGE amount of nachos. Fuck yes.

This morning I greeted my landlord who decided to enter my house bearing 20 bottles of Stella. Hey, if the guy wants to give us a Christmas present, fair enough. Though I have the sneaking suspicion that it was merely to cover up for the fact that he's not fixing our bathroom light (and that might cost more to fix than a mere box of beer). Sneaky bastard, my landlord. Very sneaky.

This weekend should be fun. :)

"Homunculus theory"

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 06:53:36 GMT

My philosophy essay is AMAZING. I'm actually talking about the ramifications of tiny little people invading someone's brain.

"The One"

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 07:20:07 GMT

I'm actually contemplating whether my balls are big enough to use The Matrix trilogy as a reference in my philosophy essay. I win so hard.

"Idealism, dualism, panpsychism"

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 23:36:56 GMT

Seriously, fuck Descartes. Trying to argue against his Meditations is doing my head in, mainly because I don't really agree with any of the criticisms of it. When the hell did I become a dualist?

Essays are rubbish. I'm enjoying philosophy, though. :p

"Fucksake"

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 07:53:58 GMT

I am actually too physically cold to sleep. Jesus Christ. Winter's fun, isn't it?

"Grinderman"

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 10:02:57 GMT

Bad things for the day; woke up at 8am for a 9am lecture that I subsequently found out that was not on this week. Bugger. Also am having an argument with a certain person. Fuck. Not fun.

Good things for the day; Nick Cave has formed a new band. Hurrah!

I need to get drunk. :(

"Where do we go now?"

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 23:54:47 GMT

Holy crap have a lot of things happened to me recently. The main event at the moment is the little fact that I am now President of Keele's Philosophy Society. And, very technically, the founding member of its new incarnation. How fucking bizarre. I've got the position till I leave university, as well, which is just... a head trip. Hope it works out.

House party went well, even though there was a fair smattering of drunken emoness from a few people. Meh, always happens, it's to be expected.

Essays are currently kicking my ass, again. I'm just about managing to stay on top of them... hopefully I won't get swamped in between now and my final deadline (early December).

Life's looking up at the moment, I have to say. I'm happy about that. :)

... even if it is fucking cold at the moment...

"If I ever lost my faith"

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 12:03:54 GMT

Christ. I feel ill again, which is really shitty. Probably didn't help that I went out last, but I'll hopefully heal in time for the weekend. Hopefully. I've only got one thing today that I *have* to go in for, so I'll take most of today off.

Last night was fucked up in so many ways. The people around me need to stop being upset.

I also really, really hope that what I think has happened hasn't.